Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia
by Witchy Pixie
Summary: I think we can all agree Eragon's screwed up family needs counseling...
1. Chapter 1

**Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia**

**Or,**

**Discovering Just How Screwed Up the IC Characters Really Are**

**IT'S A PLOT BUNNY! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES! Erm, yes. Family therapy sessions for Eragon's messed up family. Maybe be OOC and is AU. You have been warned. **

It was a very important battle. It probably decided the fate of Alagaesia. So, naturally, two teenagers with anger issues were fighting it. Eragon and Murtagh were, however, taking a break from attempting to kill each other and were arguing.

"I find it extremely unfair that you got taken to live with your nice old aunt and uncle while I had to stay in Uru'baen!" Murtagh yelled.

"Yeah, well mother did the best she could! And you have to grow up and deal with it!" replied Eragon.

"Oh, you're one to talk about growing up!"

"Hey! I'm younger than you and I've killed a shade, become half-elf, helped take over Feinster, become part of a dwarf clan, helped craft my own sword, and assisted in the killing of a second shade! And you've done what, exactly? Become a slave and whined about it!"

"Yeah, and saved you more times than you can count!"

Eragon spluttered with indigence. The argument deteriorated from there into a curse-fest, and then into a "Did not! Did too!" battle.

_Meanwhile, in the after-life._

Selena sighed. She supposed this was some kind of punishment, and Angvar knew she deserved it, but after fifteen years she was ready to climb the walls. The only reason she could think of for being stuck here was that something needed to be finished. She would be called back to Alagaesia or something. But it had better be soon.

Morzan and Brom were dueling. They were always dueling, and it was the most pointless thing Selena had ever seen. Because, of course, they couldn't die. They had _already _died. And really, if they were competing for her favor, everyone knew she preferred Brom. So really, what was the point?

And there was _nothing _to do. No need to eat or sleep, no books, nothing at all except a window to the world below. That depressed Selena, because from her view, she could tell both of her sons were having a fairly rough time of it. She glanced at the window and concentrated on Eragon for a moment. The battle scene appeared, and Selena sighed again. Nothing was going right. She wished she could turn back time and fix her mistakes. But there was nothing she could do.

"_OK, enough of this malarkey," said the fates. "Something must be done."_

And suddenly, Selena, Eragon, Murtagh, Brom, and Morzan were in a white room with a few potted plants, and chairs arranged in a semi-circle around a desk. At the desk stood a balding man with a calm air about him.

"Hello," he said. "I'm Dr. Smith. I hear you all have been having some family problems. I'm here to help. I've been a practicing family counselor for ten years."

The dysfunctional family gave each other "WTF?" looks. Then, recognizing each other, they broke out into a cacophony of accusations.

"MOTHER! What are _you _doing here?"

"If it isn't my useless son!"

"Brom! But—how?"

"You! You ruined my life!"

"And _you _ruined mine!"

"Keep out of this!"

"I die, and look what happens!"

"Why did you _abandon _me?"

"I hate you!"

"Don't you talk to your mother that way!"

"Oh, like I'm going to listen to you!"

"You behave yourself!"

"Why do you have my _sword_?"

"You're not my _real _father!_"_

"You have a lot of explaining to do!"

"Calm down everyone!" called Dr. Smith. 'I know we have a lot of emotions to work through, but we can't do it if we continue shouting at each other. Please, come sit."

Weirdly enough, everyone obeyed.

"Now, you all have a lot of anger. That's normal. You're in a very different family situation than you expected, although I must tell you, blended families are becoming more accepted and common. I think if you get out your aggression and learn to communicate, you can have a much healthier environment," said the doctor in his calming-shrink voice. "I think the best thing is for everyone to talk. You'll each have five minutes to say everything you need to say without interruptions. Who would like to go first?"

Eragon carefully looked at the floor. Murtagh hid behind his hair. Morzan glared threateningly. Brom fingered Undbitr. Selena sighed.

"I've spent fifteen years in the afterlife watching the two of you battle it out," she said, indicating Brom and Morzan. "And it changes nothing. I regret a lot of what I've done. Honestly, I do. But Brom's the one I love, because he's not evil and insane. And I'm sorry I didn't get to see the two of you grow up," she said, indicating Eragon and Murtagh "But I wish you'd stop fighting. I wish you could get along. And I feel like this is allmy fault." Selena fell silent.

Begrudingly, Eragon started talking again "I was a farm boy. I was nothing interesting at all, and suddenly I get swept off my feet. Everyone expects me to be something. I'm constantly being thrust into dangerous situations and then being blamed for attracting trouble. I do the best I can! I feel resentment because my mother left me without telling anyone my origins. I'm sad I'm on opposite sides of the war with Murtagh. We used to be friends. I miss that." He too stopped talking, feeling embarrassed.

Brom picked up the thread. "Eragon, I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you I was your father. I love you very much, and I'm sorry everything turned out the way it did, but perhaps it is best you carry on my legacy without me. But really, you need to stop acting like an idiot! That "blessing" was the most blockheaded thing ever! I wish I could be there to help you. But," he conceded "You've accomplished some good things too."

Morzan and Murtagh glared at each other. "You go," growled Morzan.

"Make me," replied Murtagh.

"Oh, I'll make you, you little—"

"We don't allow violence here," put in Dr. Smith. "You'll find you can't use magic, and there will be consequences if you attack each other.

"Right. So _you go_," said Morzan again.

"Not in this life."

"I have parental authority."

"Parental authority? _Parental _authority? Tornac the horse was more of a parent to me!"

"Like or not, I _am _your father."

"And I've had to suffer for it. How would you like to walk around with the name 'Devil's spawn'?"

"By the lost kings, you didn't even get your own nickname? You have to piggy-back on mine? That's _sad._"

"While it's great we're getting these emotions out," said Dr. Smith "One of you need to go."

With a murderous glance at his son, Morzan began "My son's useless. My wife ran off and had an affair. Her lover proceeded to kill me. That's about it. Your turn…son."

"Do I _have _to?"

"Yes," said Dr. Smith.

"The world hates me. It's your fault (He pointed to Morzan) and you left me (he pointed to Selena) and you're trying to kill me (he pointed to Eragon) and people wonder why I'm bitter?"

"Hey! Have some respect for your father!" Morzan said.

"You used me for _target practice_," spat Murtagh.

"I have damn good aim, even when I'm drunk."

"Wow. We've got a lot of anger here. How do you think we can deal with that?"

"Hmm, let's think. You can go back to the afterlife where you belong, and I'll attempt to hide my shame of my heritage," said Murtagh.

"That's only repressing anger. We need to learn how to deal with it," said Dr. Smith calmly.

"So…you want me to _forgive _him?" asked Murtagh.

"That's the ultimate goal, yes," the doctor replied.

"And after that, we can go flying with the pigs!"

"Murtagh, stop being disrespectful," reproved Selena.

"Oh, _now_ you start acting like a mom."

"Don't talk to your mother that way!" said Brom and Morzan at the exact same time. They proceeded to glare at each other.

"Now, clearly you're having difficulty accepting your mother's parental role," said Dr. Smith.

"She's not my parent. She abandoned me. And she's _dead._"

"Clearly you feel a lot of resentment."

"Erm…_yeah_?"

"So, Selena, do you have anything to say to this?"

"I—I did the best I could!" said Selena defensively. "I love you. You know that."

"Great, let's add you to the list. That makes—one," said Murtagh, getting more sarcastic by the minute.

"I…like you…well I liked you before you turned to the dark side!" said Eragon.

"Let's have a little review here. Knowledge of true name equals ultimate control."

"Stop it with the excuses!"

"I am _done _talking to you."

Brom made a "Hmph!"ing noise.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" asked Murtagh.

"Nothing…"

"Brom! Let's have a little acceptance! I know he's not your real son but—" began Selena.

"Mom, seriously? We are never going to get along! He _killed my father_!"

"Which reminds me, you should thank him."

"Selena! I loved you! I thought you loved me!" Morzan's face was getting dangerously red.

"…We've been through this. I did some very stupid things when I was younger."

"Calm down, everyone," said Dr. Smith. "I think it's great we're all getting out our emotions. Communication in _key_. I was thinking We could talk about Selena's relationships with Morzan and Brom now. Morzan, you're clearly having difficulties accepting the fact that your ex-wife has moved on."

"I just find it infuriating that she would pick an enemy rider who lost his dragon and has nothing to give her over me!"

"Selena, do you have anything to say to this?"

"You. Threw. A. Sword. At. My. Son."

"Selena, I think now would be a good time to talk about "I" messages. Instead of accusations using the word "you," it's better to use messages about yourself so you don't put the other person on the defensive," put in Dr. Smith.

"Fine. I don't like it when people throw lethal weapons at my children, causing them to almost die and be hideously disfigured for life."

"Thanks for the self-esteem boost, mother."

"It's not your turn, Murtagh."

"So why did you carry on behind my back? Did you think you could hide it from me?" snarled Morzan.

"Well…yes. And anyway, I couldn't have told you! You'd have killed me!"

"…Maybe."

"I rest my case."

"But why _him_?"

Selena became dreamy and teenager-like. "Because I love Brom."

"Seriously? I am _infinitely _cooler. I have two different color eyes!"

"And you're insane," said Brom dryly.

"…Exactly," said Selena.

"I hate to ask, but what are we gaining out of this? Do we just head back to the afterlife once we've worked out all our problems?" asked Morzan.

"Ah," said Dr. Smith, raising a finger. "That's the key. If you work out all your problems, the three of you can go back!"

"Um…I don't _want _him to return," said Murtagh, indicating Morzan.

"If he learns how to positively channel his aggression, I guarantee you'll have no more violent incidents to worry about," said Dr. Smith.

"Riiiiiiiight. Positively channel aggression. That's a great joke!"

"I see we have some trust issues to work on…"

"I am also _done _talking to you."

""Back to Selena and Morzan, moving on after a relationship ends is never easy. But in your case, it was healthier for the both of you. Now, it's time to move on. Maybe you could involved in some community activities, Morzan? You could meet new people there. What are you interested in?"

"Magic…swordsmanship…killing….maiming…serving evil kings…"

"Well! Some of these are destructive behaviors. What do you think causes the desire to do such destruction?" asked Dr. Smith.

"Hmm…because it's fun?"

Dr. Smith took a deep breath. "Moving on, I think it's time to accept that your relationship is over. Perhaps if you eliminated any pictures or gifts you have that remind you of her?"

"Right…maybe," said Morzan.

"Good first step," approved Dr. Smith.

"Now, Brom, how do you feel about all this?"

"I think it's damn clear how I feel! I killed him, didn't I? He wasn't good for Selena! He made her swear oaths of fealty to him and commit unspeakable evils!"

"So _she _can get away with the oath excuse but _I'm _just evil to the core?" asked Murtagh.

"Please stop interrupting," said Dr. Smith.

"Anyway, I love Selena, and she loves me, and I know loving me was her downfall…if she hadn't had Eragon she would not have died and I am sorry…so sorry."

There was a moment of silence which Murtagh broke, turning to Eragon.

"So, essentially, _you _killed our mother?"

Eragon's face went into a shock-horror expression and he began to cry. Murtagh snorted.

"Eragon, I understand this is difficult news to process. But understand it _was not your fault_."

Eragon looked up and nodded.

"Now, Brom, you love Selena and she loves you. You can and will get through this rough time. Eragon, how do you feel about the fact that you never knew who your father was?"

"I feel…betrayed. No one bothered to think how this would affect _me_!"

Murtagh made a cough that sounded like "_Whiner_!" and Selena slapped him.

"Eragon, I'm sorry. I was hoping to protect you."

"Funny how people seem to protect me by never telling me anything."

"That must be frustrating," said Dr. Smith.

"So, just to clarify, no more surprises?" asked Eragon.

"One more. Arya is your sister," said Murtagh.

"ACK!"

"Kidding, kidding!" said Murtagh, dissolving into a laughing fit.

"Murtagh, you need to stop being mean to Eragon. The two of you will have a chance to work out your problems later," said Dr. Smith.

"But it's so _easy _to get at him."

"So, Eragon, you've had a bit of a turbulent life lately. You've also done most things without help from your family. How does this make you feel?"

"Sad…I wish they were here with me. I could use the advice, or at least the support. "

"That must have been hard."

"It was! And everyone expects so many different things from me! It's getting tough."

Selena nodded. "I know the feeling. I wish I could be there to help you…"

"As do I," said Brom.

"You _were _there are you _lied _to me!" said Eragon.

"Technically, I never told you I _wasn't _your father."

Eragon stared at Brom in disbelief. Dr. Smith tactfully cut in.

"The resentment is still there. Brom, I know you wanted to protect Eragon, but it caused some difficulties. How do you feel about this?"

"I wish I could have been different," said Brom, sighing, and unconsciously imitated Murtagh's emo slouch.

"We can't rewrite the past, but we can change the present," said Dr. Smith. "How about the two of you make a promise to be honest with each other. Or, at least, say that'd be rather not speak about something rather than hiding it or lying. "

"I promise," said Eragon, and Brom mimicked him.

Morzan rolled his eyes, and Selena slapped him. "Watch it, or you'll be promising not to be an evil, insane, freak."

"Selena, we talked about 'I" messages."

"Right, _I _don't like it when you make fun of my lover and son."

"_I'm _your lover. And he's an illegitimate, unintelligent, fool,"

"I think we need some more work on letting go of past relationships," said Dr. smith

"Unintelligent idiot is redundant," said Brom.

'Thanks for sticking up for me, father" grumbled Eragon.

"Moving on," said Dr. Smith with the barest hint of weariness "We haven't talked about you clear feelings of intense resentment, Murtagh."

"I hate basically everyone in this room."

"'Basically'? There's an exception?"

"Erm…OK, so I don't exactly hate my mother. 'Intense resentment'. Not so much hatred."

"All right, why the resentment?"

"…She left me to grow up with a freak who threw a weapon at me."

"Selena?"

"Your father kept me away from you, or I would have taken you away from the castle. I'm very sorry," said Selena, looking as if she was about to cry.

"You managed to get Eragon out."

"Because your father never knew I was pregnant with him."

"Conveniently. I think you just liked him better and made more of an effort."

"Now, that's not fair! I did the best I could by you!"

"And look how well that went."

"As we've established, the past is past," said Dr. Smith. "We can only change the present."

"Changing the present is pretty damn hard when you are bound to an evil king by your true name."

"Hey! Galbatorix is a friend of mine! Have some respect!" said Morzan.

"…_Seriously_?"

"Anyway, so if I do manage to change my true name and Thorn's, I have no idea what we're going to do after that, as everyone hates me. Due to my heritage and what I've done. So really, you ruined my life."

"Stop being such an angsty adolescent!" yelled Brom.

"You are not my parent. Shut up."

Brom leapt up from his chair, brandishing his sword. "INSOLENT LITTLE BASTARD!"

"OLD FOGGIE!"

"IMMATURE CHILD!"  
>"HOMEWRECKER!"<p>

"ATTENTIONSEEKER!"

"INSENSITIVE DOLT!"  
>"FOOLISH CHILD!"<p>

"UNGRATEFUL OLD MAN! I TRIED TO SAVE YOU!"

"…And look how that worked out."

"At least I _tried_ which is more than can be said for anyone helping me."

"Could you _stop _being so dramatic?"

"Brom, don't minimize feelings," said Dr. Smith.

"He is being totally overdramatic."

"Wow! You to have a lot to work out, if you are going to become a family."

"FAMILY?" shrieked Murtagh.

"Well, hopefully after the war is over you'll be spending most of your time with your mother and step father…I'm not sure what Morzan's visitation rights will be after the sword incident."

*blank stares*

"Anyway, we need to get to the root of the problem between the two of you. Brom, talk about your feelings toward your stepson."

"Well…he's a git. I'll admit maybe he's not so bad deep down, but with all the complaining and martyrdom, it's impossible to like him!"

"'I' messages, Brom."

"_I _don't like whiners."

"OK, seriously?" asked Murtagh. "I do _not _whine, and even if I _did, _I would have every right. My life, to put it bluntly, is _crap."_

"And it's not my fault, or Eragon's, so why do you constantly berate us?" asked Brom.

"Technically, it _is _Eragon's fault. Had he not forced me to come to the Varden, the Twins wouldn't have been able to capture me and my quality of life would be much higher."

"Tell us about that," said Dr. Smith.

"I was traveling with Eragon, saving him every five minutes("YOU WERE NOT!") I told him repeatedly I wouldn't go to the Varden, but he didn't listen. He _said _he was going to find me an escape route. He acted confident because he wanted me to come, but he had no idea if there was one or not. And, with Urgals behind us, I got stuck in Farthen Dur, and couldn't leave unless I let the freaks inside my mind. I think you all know the rest of the story, in which they capture me and drag me back to Uru'baen, and I suddenly become villain number one."

"I think we're getting to the bottom of this. You feel like no one respects your feelings."

Murtagh looked highly nonplussed. "Uh, yeah, maybe."

"OK. So how do you think we can fix that?"

"Get all these people to leave me alone. Oh, and free me and Thorn from Galbatorix. "

"Do you seriously want to be a hermit for the rest of your life?"

'Hmm…yes."

Dr. Smith sighed. _"This is going to be my toughest case yet…" _he thought.

**So, yeah drop a review and let me know what you think, I'm pretty proud of this one. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia**

**Or**

**Discovering Just How Screwed Up the IC Characters Really Are**

"So, we've established that Murtagh feels that his thoughts aren't being taken seriously," said Dr. Smith. "How do you think we solve this problem?"

"By not talking to him anymore?" asked Eragon caustically. He was still annoyed at the "saving him every five minutes" comment.

"Eragon, you sound annoyed. What caused this feeling?"

"He did not 'save me every five minutes'!" said Eragon.

"Ah. Someone else said something about you that you find inaccurate and hurtful. Murtagh?"

"…It's true."

"You view it as true, but Eragon does not. How do you think we can find a neutral perspective?"

"…This is insanity. I saved him from the Ra'zac, the Urgals, and put him back on Saphira after the idiot jumped off during the battle of Farthen Dur. He would be dead ten times over if it were not for me."

"You can't be dead 'ten times over,'" said Brom dryly. "You only die once. I am sure he's saved your life once or twice."

"Not that I recall," said Murtagh.

"Selective memory," muttered Brom.

"Anyway," broke in Dr. Smith. "I think it's time you two learned to 'agree to disagree.' People with as different personalities are you two obviously have sometimes have to learn to disagree peacefully and not let it ruin their friendship."

"...friendship? We are on opposite sides of a war!" shouted Eragon.

"That IS a problem…but it should be solved soon, because Galbatorix is coming in for a few sessions. Hopefully he and Murtagh can come to some sort of agreement and Murtagh can pick his own side. You two won't have to fight anymore. Doesn't that sound good?"

"Dr. Smith, there is no way on earth these are not going to fight," said Selena in a resigned tone.

"Well, um, naturally every family will have disagreements. But hopefully they'll become less lethal."

"I wouldn't count on it," muttered Morzan.

"Morzan, I see we need to work on having faith in each other."

The laughter that resulted was nearly deafening.

"Please calm down," said Dr. Smith.

"Faith—in—each—other—" choked Eragon.

"_Clearly _he doesn't know us at _all_," said Brom, shaking his head sadly.

"Hey, Galbatorix is coming _here_?" asked Murtagh, suddenly remembering.

"Yes, later on. You two have some problems to work out. Also, we'll we having some paired sessions, focusing on specific relationships. Right now, however, I want to focus on your problems as a family."

"You use the term fairly loosely…" said Murtagh.

"Anyway, back on track. I think we were talking about Eragon and Murtagh's relationship? The two of you were fairly close before the incident with the twins…although there was the disagreement about the Varden. Eragon, I think now would be the time to explore your actions…"

"I had a dying elf! I didn't know they were going to throw him in a cell! I thought he was just being overdramatic, as usual."

"OVERDRAMATIC? Did I _ever _say _anything_ about my life until you forced the issue?" asked Murtagh irately.

"And that would be an illustration of you being overdramatic," said Eragon.

"Says the person who _cries _whenever he kill an animal," said Morzan derisively.

"It's not your turn—" began Dr. Smith but Eragon cut him off.

"Just because _you're _a heartless murderer doesn't mean we all are,"

"You've killed a ton of people! Don't play innocent!" yelled Murtagh.

Eragon made a cough that sounded like "_Torkenbrand!_" and Murtagh glared.

"You are just never going to let that go, are you? I wish I'd let him go, and captured _you _on the battle of the Burning Plains."

"Yeah? So you could fill your mercy quota for the year?"

"Look, what else could I do? He would have alerted someone to our presence!"

"He was defenseless!"

"…We were in the mountains. A wolf would probably have gotten him anyway."

"That rationalization is just sad."

"Not as sad as being a _puppet_."

"Do _not _even go there!"

"I see this is a sensitive topic…" said Dr. Smith, a little hopelessly.

"I am a slave, and everyone hates me because of it. Yes, I would say it is a little sensitive," said Murtagh in a forcibly calm voice.

"Statements like 'everyone hates me' are wrong. Nothing is absolute. Not everyone knows you, and of those that do, not all of them hate you."

"Want to bet?"

"Let's ask everyone in this room. If you're fine with that?"

"No. No, I am _not_."

"Why not? Are you afraid?" asked Dr. Smith.

"I simply don't want to hear how everyone in my family hates me."

"Maybe they don't. Why don't you find out?"

"_Fine. _Show of hands. Who hates me?" Murtagh asked, glaring at the family before him.

Selena kept her hand down and smiled. Eragon started to raise his, then stopped. Morzan adopted a "Teacher! Pick me!" demeanor. Brom attempted to raise his hand, but Selena stopped him.

"Lovely," said Murtagh dryly. "I'll just go jump off a cliff now. Since it's pretty clear no one will miss me."

"Your mother would."

"Oh yes. How flattering. The only person who loves me is my mother. And even she left me with an insane man who threw a sword at me."

"Maybe we should move on. We're all going to look at some inkblots. You'll tell me what you see, exactly as you see it."

"…This is insanity," said Brom.

"How about you go first, Brom?" Dr. Smith held up a picture. "What do you see?"

"A bunch of random black shapes on paper."

Dr. Smith sighed.

"He's a very literal person," said Selena.

"Eragon, how about you?" asked the doctor.

"Hmm…a sword."

"How on _earth _do you see a sword?" asked Murtagh. "It looks _nothing _like a sword."

"So what do _you _see, oh wise one?"

"A horse."

"A—are you blind?"

"It looks more like a horse than a _sword_."

"No it doesn't! See, there's the hilt and—"  
>"That's the horse's tail."<p>

"You're crazy."

"Hey, seeing a weapon rather than an animal means you're more violent that me."

"Actually, Eragon has a lot of conflict in his life, that's probably why he sees a weapon," said Dr. Smith. "You see a horse, which either means you like the animals or feel like you're running from something."

"So…I'm a warrior and you're a runaway?" asked Eragon.

"_No_."

"The inkblots say so!"

"What does a stupid piece of paper know?"

"A minute ago you were totally believing it!"

"Calm _down_!" said Dr. Smith. "The two of you _cannot _argue over everything if you want to coexist."

"But we _don't_," said Eragon.

"…Let's move on," said Dr. Smith. "Selena? What do you see?"

"It looks like a storm," said Selena, squinting.

"It probably represents inner turmoil. Morzan?"

"Absolutely not. I will not partake of this foolishness."

Selena slapped him.

"Can she sit somewhere else?" asked the former Forsworn, edging his chair away.

Dr. Smith said nothing, only held out the inkblot.

"_Fine._ I see an incompetent son who's a disgrace to his father."

Murtagh glared. "You know, I see something too. I see an insane, child-abusing father who need to go back to the afterlife!"

"I see a whiny teenager!" shouted Brom.

"I see a father who never told me anything!" added Eragon irately.

"I see a family that is _never _going to get along," said Selena sadly.

Dr. Smith took a deep breath, put away the inkblots and turned again to the family that was once again engaged into a five-way argument.

"You leave my son alone!"

"You leave my _wife _alone!'  
>"You are <em>clearly <em>still in denial!"

"I _regret _saving you!"

"You idiot!"

"I hate you!"

"Enough!" shouted Dr. Smith. "Clearly, we still have a lot of work to do. However, we now have a guest."

"Oh, _hell _no!" yelled Murtagh. "How do I get out of here?"

"I'm afraid you can't, until you've worked out your inner problems," said Dr. Smith pleasantly.

"All right, _who's _idea was this?"

"The fates. They were rather tired of watching you be dysfuctional so—ah, there you, Galbatorix!"

Everyone jumped as the monarch took his seat.

"Long time, no see, my old friend!" said Morzan.

"Unfortunately so," said Galbatorix, with a glare at Brom. "So! We meet at last, Eragon?"

Eragon stiffen and nodded. He gripped the hilt of his sword. Selena looked daggers at the king, and Murtagh attempted not be noticed.

"Now, I'm hoping we can put aside our differences and talk for a while," said Dr. Smith. "Earlier, Galbatorix, we were discussing the fact that Murtagh feels no one takes his thoughts seriously."

"Leave me out of this," muttered Murtagh. "He and Eragon have plenty of dysfunction for you to play with."

"Fine, we'll turn to Eragon," said Dr. Smith smoothly. "What's your biggest dispute with the king?"

"Well…he's oppressing a nation and it's somehow my job to stop him. He's attempted to kill me…" Eragon began to count on his fingers, "Ra'zac, Urgals, Murtagh, Murtagh take two…Four times."

"Technically, I never tried to kill you. I don't wish to kill you. I only want to capture you," said the king.

"Oh, that makes me feel _so _much better," said Eragon sarcastically.

"You know, Galbatorix, I think you have some issues with control," said Dr. Smith.

"Control has kept me alive for the past century."

"Is living forever worth living a life where no one can trust you?"

"Yes,"

"See! He's just as hopeless as the rest of us!" said Brom. "Let's abandon this insanity."

"Now, don't give up hope. Emotions take time to work through," said Dr. Smith. "Let's talk about your life, Galbatorix."

"I was a dragon rider…I moved up the ranks quickly…my dragon died…"

"You dragon died because you were an arrogant idiot," said Brom.

"Brom, you need to respect Galbatorix and let him tell the story in his own way."

"So, my dragon died and the rest of the riders REFUSED to let me have another egg, knowing FULL WELL how insane it would have made me. Morzan and I wanted to get revenge. Who can blame us?"

"What's interesting to me is that you felt another dragon could replace—"

"Jarnunvosk," said Galbatorix with a sniff.

"Yes, Jarnunvosk. No one could have replaced the bond you had. It would have been better to go through the normal grieving process."

"So…you're saying I was wrong?" asked the king with a dangerous glint in his eye.

"I'm saying you didn't deal with your emotions in a healthy way."

Galbatorix frowned and shook his head. "This is madness. Come on, Murtagh, we're leaving."

"Wait a minute," said Dr. Smith. "Murtagh, do you _want _to leave?"

"Erm," said Murtagh uncertainly, "yes, but not with _him_."

Galbatorix sighed in exasperation. "By your true name I command you to come with me. Why do we always have to go through this?"

"True names don't work in here," said Dr. Smith. "I think this right here is a perfect example of people disregarding Murtagh's needs and wants. He obviously feels, and rightfully so, that no one gives him any choices."

"I might give him choices if he didn't make trouble every other minute," said the king irritably.

"Yet another reason I _should not _have let you go, Eragon," mumbled Murtagh.

"We're going to talk about that later," said Dr. Smith. "Right now however, I need to ask you to sit down, Galbatorix. We still have plenty to discuss."

Reluctantly, Alagaesia's reigning monarch returned to his chair, glaring at Murtagh.

However, you should never, _ever _get into a glaring contest with Murtagh. You will lose. Spectacularly.

"Back to your story, I think that your obsession with gaining name-slaves and ruling a country has to do with the fact that you feel that your dragon's death was beyond your control. Also, you felt that the riders had too much control over you. You rebelled in an extreme manner. If you can gain confidence that _you _are in control of your life, I think you may be able to stop oppressing people. Maybe even resign from your kingship."

"RESIGN?"

"Perhaps it's too early to talk about that. Maybe we can talk about feeling in control of your own life. Perhaps if you get involved in some community activities?"

"I would think running a country is quite the 'community activity.'"

"Yes, but doing something a little less…" Dr. Smith struggled for words, "Evil?"

"I'm not evil!" shouted Galbatorix.

Brom snorted.

"You keep out of this!"

"I didn't _say _anything."

"Anyway, if community service is out of the question, how about a hobby?"

"Like guessing people's true names?"

"No…I was thinking macramé or golf…"

"Eldunarya collecting?"

Dr. Smith restrained himself from facepalming.

**Chapter two is shorter, but hope you enjoy. I actually really love this fic…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia**

**Or**

**Discovering Just How Screwed Up the IC Characters Really Are**

"Now, I think we can turn to Brom and Galbatorix's relationship…" started Dr. Smith.

"Let's not and say we did," grumbled Brom.

"Brom, we can't get anywhere unless you have a positive attitude."

Selena snorted. "He's the biggest pessimist I know."

"No, I'm a realist," said Brom.

"That vase over there—is it half full or half empty of water?" asked Selena, pointing to the vase on Dr. Smith's desk.

"It's near empty. Someone should refill it, or the flowers will die. Actually, never mind, Morzan'll probably knock it over anyway."

Selena raised an eyebrow.

"Now, you know, we need both optimists and pessimists in the world," said Dr. Smith.

"Come to think of it, everyone in this room is a pessimist," said Eragon. "Except me."

"No, you're just a whiner," said Morzan.

"And _your _son is both a whiner _and_ a pessimist," said Brom. "Not to mention, he needs a haircut."

"Sitting right here," said Murtagh.

"I think now might be a good time to try some assertiveness, Murtagh," said Dr. Smith.

"Um. Yeah. OK. The true-name-controlled minion shall be assertive. This should be fun to watch."

Eragon gave a long sigh. "By Guntera, will you quit it with that true name thing?"

"…Guntera? I thought you were an Atheist," said Selena, attempting to get in some bonding with her son.

"No, I'm a confused Agnostic," said Eragon.

"Wishy washy," muttered Morzan.

Selena slapped him.

The Forsworn got up and walked over to Murtagh's chair. "Go over and sit by your mother."

"So…you're scared of her?" asked Murtagh, with the slightest eyebrow raise.

"Insolence!" Morzan, glaring at Murtagh. "Move!"

"No."

"Move!"

"No."

"MOVE!"

"No."

"JEIRDA!" shrieked Morzan. Whatever he wanted to break was a mystery because, as previously mentioned, no magic could be used.

Therefore, his only logical course of action was to continue arguing with his son.

"Move. Now."

"No."

"DAMN IT! MOVE!"

"No."

Brom chuckled.

"Teenagers…" muttered Selena.

"I am your father, and I am telling you to move!"

"I am your son, and I am telling you to fuck off."

"Language!" shouted Selena.

Morzan attempted to tip Murtagh out of the chair. A scuffle ensued. Dr. Smith disappeared behind his desk, in search of his cattle prod.

Brom finally got up, and lugubriously walked over to his step-family.

"Quit it, you're upsetting Selena," he said.

The fighting continued.

Brom pulled out his sword and tapped Murtagh on the shoulder with it.

"What the—ahh!"

"Go sit down by your mother and don't cause trouble," said Brom.

Glaring as only a teenager can, Murtagh headed over to his mother, and slouched down in the chair. He evaded her attempts to ruffle his hair.

"I think you've got some nerve ordering _my _son around!" said Morzan.

"Oh shut up. Seeing as he actually listens to me…"

"I don't listen to anyone! My plans merely happened to coincide with your order."

Selena face-palmed. Brom glared and Murtagh. Eragon twiddled his thumbs. Dr. Smith cleared his throat.

"So! Galbatorix! I think it's time to explore the concept that people with opposing viewpoints can be friends. For instance, you would like to rule Alagaesia, and Brom would like you to be overthrown. If you can put you opinions aside and simply like each other for your personalities, you will get along much better. The same goes for you, Morzan."

The laughter started again. Dr. Smith ground his teeth.

"I have things to do. Can we get this over with?" asked Galbatorix.

"Fine, we'll move on to your relationship with Murtagh. We've talked about how Murtagh feels no one takes his wishes seriously…"

"Look, the kid gives me trouble, therefore I have to use extreme measures," said the King.

"I think the root of the problem here is that Murtagh doesn't wish to work for you at all. Murtagh?"

"I…um…" Murtagh glanced at the king.

"You're in a safe place," said Dr. Smith. "You can be totally honest."

"Yeah…till we get back and he beats the crap out of me."

"Murtagh, if you work out your issues now…"

"_Fine. _If it will get me out of here. No, I don't want to work for the king. I have nothing against the empire, it's a great system of government but _he's _insane."

"And it's been previously shown you hate having people enter your mind."

"My mind is my only—"  
>"<em>We've heard<em>," said Eragon, in a bored tone.

"Eragon!" said Selena.

"Listen, boy, you grew up in my castle. I gave you a life, and you betrayed me!" growled Galbatorix.

"You know, it is really unfair when both side call you a traitor," mused Murtagh.

"Just because you gave Murtagh a place to live as a dependent child does not mean he owes you a lifetime of service," said Dr. Smith.

"But he _agreed _to serve me!" said the king, sounding exasperated.

"Yeah, until I saw you kill your own servants and totally freak out," said Murtagh. "Then I realized how insane you are."

"'I messages.'"

"_I _don't like to be forced to fight for someone evil. _I _don't like having my mental space invaded. _I _don't like being compared to my father. _I _am sick of being hated," said Murtagh.

"I think we're actually getting through to some real issues here!" said Dr. Smith excitedly. "You don't want to follow in your father's footsteps and you'd like your rights and privacy respected."

"Um. Yeah."

"Not going to happen," said Galbatorix. "Murtagh, I expect you back on duty in less than twenty-four hours, or there will be hell to pay."

And just like that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Dr. Smith sighed.

"Moving…on, I think it's time to work on seeing the positive. Everyone will come up with one good thing about each family member. Eragon?"

"Um…Brom was a wise mentor, Selena was…well…I don't know her very well…but she did her best by me, which makes her kind…Murtagh was fairly decent until he got captured, loyal and all that (Eragon's ears reddened) and Morzan…well…I guess maybe…a dragon picked him so there must be something good about him!" Eragon leaned back, sighing. That hadn't been very easy…

"Brom?"

"Selena is beautiful, proud, and kind. Eragon is brave and good-hearted. As for the other two…" Brom made a noise of disgust.

"Brom! Have some respect for my son!" said Selena indignantly.

Morzan cleared his throat.

"I don't care about _you_," said Selena derisively.

"_Fine. _Murtagh…was loyal to Eragon. As for his father…he…he's a decent fighter." Brom glared.

"Good. Selena?"

"Eragon is very kind, Murtagh is very brave, Brom was one of the most loyal and brave men I know and Morzan…" Selena thought for a moment "had a great sword."

"MOTHER!" shouted Eragon.

"What? Zar'roc is—oh shit that was NOT what I meant! Get your mind out of the sewers!" Selena slapped Eragon.

Murtagh could barely contain his laughter, until Selena rounded on him.

"I didn't _say _anything!"

"_Your _turn," said Selena, glaring at him.

"Why me? I didn't even say anything! I wasn't even thinking it!"

Brom rolled his eyes. "Of course you were. Now take your turn."

"Eragon's a decent fighter, mother was brave, as was Brom, and as for you," he indicated Morzan, "you have two different color eyes, which is mildly cool," Murtagh rattled all this off at top speed. "_Doesn't make up for the homicidal tendencies_," he muttered.

Morzan glared. "No. No. I am _not _doing this."

"You'll do it, or your days in the afterlife will be filled with pain," said Selena, narrowing her eyes.

"Brom was a decent opponent, Eragon managed to kill a Shade (how, I don't know. He's a wimp) You're beautiful, and Murtagh's my son."

"And that's a _compliment_?" asked Murtagh in disbelief.

"…Yes, of course."

"I call foul!"

"Murtagh…" began Selena.

"Oh damn, not a guilt trip. I will _not _fall prey to a mother's guilt trip. No," said Murtagh, resolutely looking away."

"Selena, guilting is not a good way to get what you want. You need to make your needs and wants known directly," said Dr. Smith.

"How's this for a need? _I need to get out of here_," said Morzan, glaring at the therapist.

Dr. Smith glared back.

"_Goddammit, I'm finishing this,_" he thought determinedly. "_They WILL become sane!"_

**So...another chapter full of insanity. Nothing to say but review!**


	4. Chapter 4

"So, why don't we tackle Murtagh and Morzan's relationship?" asked Dr. Smith in as casual a tone as he could muster.

Murtagh stared at him in total deadpan for about ten seconds and then slowly shook his head.

"I fail to see what there is to talk about," said Morzan.

"Well, clearly there's some dysfunction…" said Dr. Smith, grasping at straws.

"Eh. Who cares?" said Morzan, looking out the window.

"This is _exactly _why you didn't make a good father figure!" said Selena. "But no, you said you'd love being a dad!"

"…That was before I realized what a failure my son is."

"Sitting. Right. Here."

"Let's not get off-topic, Selena," said Dr. Smith. "Murtagh, how do you feel about being called a failure?"

Murtagh raised an eyebrow. "I…really don't care."

"Putting on a façade of nonchalance gets you nowhere. It only buries emotions," said Dr. Smith. "There's no shame in being hurt."

Murtagh sighed. "Why would I _care _what a murderer thinks about me?"

"Have some respect!" said Selena.

"_Seriously_? Two minutes ago you were telling me to thank Brom for killing him!"

"Which you still haven't done."

"Because I don't want to look ridiculous."

"Too late," said Eragon.

Selena adopted the parental tone we all know and hate, the one which no one dare disobey. "Thank your stepfather."

"Brom, thanks for killing my dad." Murtagh retreated into a Do Not Disturb the Emo state.

"You're welcome," said Brom, chuckling. "It wasn't that hard."

"That's what she said," mumbled Eragon, earning himself a slap from his mother.

"Oh, _sure _it wasn't," said Morzan.

"Hardly a challenge. You could have put up more of a fight," said Brom, feigning boredom.

"You liar! I nearly killed you several times. You were nearly gone before you offed me!"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," said Brom calmly.

"YOU—"

At that point, Selena leaned over and shoved her hand in front of his mouth.

"Don't swear in front of the children."

Both of said children rolled their eyes.

"You realize you only won because I let you?" asked Morzan, breaking free of Selena.

"You let me kill you? Smooth," said Brom, guffawing.

"It fit into my master plan."

Snorts filled the room, and Morzan glared.

"It did!"

"Master plan. _Riiiiight_," said Eragon.

Morzan leapt up and attempted to impale Eragon. They began dueling, with Eragon actually putting up a decent fight. They were hindered by the fact that the room had been enchanted so neither could land a blow.

Murtagh appeared mildly entertained. Brom cast a critical eye and muttered some technique corrects. Selena looked so proud Murtagh couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm just as good as him. Probably better."

"Oh shut up. You have an inferiority complex," said Brom.

Murtagh ignored him.

Dr. Smith clapped his hands loudly.  
>"Sit down!"<p>

He was, as usual, completely ignored. Selena sighed.

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"

"_Mother!_" said Eragon, scandalized.

Morzan and Brom obeyed Selena, Brom looking slightly abashed (a rare sight) and Morzan hoping Selena wouldn't slap him again.

"I think we haven't covered Morzan and Brom's issues as fully as I'd hoped…" said Dr. Smith, gamely resuming his calming-shrink voice. "How about we turn back to them?"

Eragon elbowed Murtagh. "This ought to be fun to watch."

"Well…let's see. Brom seduced my wife, worked against the empire, and, oh, let's see, KILLED ME?"

"I thought that was part of your master plan," said Eragon.

"YOU INSOLENT LITTLE MIDGET!" yelled Morzan.

"Little midget is redundant," said Brom.

"Once again, thank you for your kind support, father," said Eragon.

"Hey, you asked for it," said Brom.

"Turning back to Brom and Morzan…" began Dr. Smith.

"_Let's not and say we did,_" mumbled Selena, her eagerness for the family to work through their issues waning.

At that moment, the smoke start billowing again. Dr. Smith sighed loudly.

Galbatorix stepped out of his terrifying smoky cloud, and glared at Murtagh.

"Did—I—not—tell—you—to—be—back—today?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Well—er," began Murtagh, wondering how on earth he got himself into these things. "Maybe?"

"Ah! _Maybe_! Your memory is faulty, perhaps?" asked the king.

"Well—"

"Perhaps I need to _remind _you what happens when you don't do as I say."

"You know, I think my memory is fine, come to think of it. But thanks for your concern!"

"Ah. But if you didn't forget, it was sheer disobedience. Which would result in somewhat harsher consequences."  
>Murtagh grasped at straws. "They made me stay!" he said, pointing around the room.<p>

'Ah. Yes. Your mother. Your idiot younger brother. Brom—who's dead. Your own father. Of course," the King began to pace back and forth in a predatory manner.

"You forget the pyscho shrink."

"Ah! A mere human. What a _match_, Murtagh."

"He has a cattle prod, and he's very dangerous. He made my father talk about his feelings."

Galbatorix stopped mid-pace. "Wait—really?"

"Mmmhmm. It was terrifying."

Galbatorix shivered. "You get off this time, minion. But now you're coming with me. We have a dragon rider to capture!"

Murtagh looked at him with such distain that the king frowned. "What?"

"We're going to leave here?"

"Yes," said he king.

"To go capture Eragon."

"Exactly."

"Because that makes sense."

"And isn't _someone _good at deductive reasoning today?" said Galbatorix.

"He's sitting Right. Over. There."

"Ah," said the King.

Dr. Smith muttered something about inefficient villains and "This is just as bad as Voldemort," and Eragon sniggered.

"INSOLENENCE!" shouted the king, turning on Eragon.

"Shall we start a drinking game for how often I get called insolent today?" said Eragon dryly.

"Really, Eragon, you and Morzan need to be on speaking terms…" said Dr. Smith.

"Technically, we _are_ speaking," said Eragon. "It just happens to be in insults only."

"Anyway," broke in Dr. Smith, "Galbatorix, your session is _over_. We can book another one, which I think would be very…beneficial, but right now it's time for Brom and Morzan to work out their issues. Again."

Galbatorix glared, and then disappeared in a very huffy puff of smoke. Don't ask how a puff of smoke can be huffy, because it's very hard to explain, but it _can. _

"Now, Brom, you and Morzan are obviously going to have to make custody arrangements..."

"No way!" shouted Morzan. '"I don't want the half-elven pansy!"

"Hey!" yelled Eragon. "I'm tougher that _your _son!"

"Who he can keep, by the way," said Brom dryly. "I'm allergic to angst."

Dr. Smith began to dig in his drawers for a whistle.

"Shut up, all of you!" said Selena.

Amazingly enough, everyone listened.

"Now, Eragon," said Dr. Smith wearily. "Who do you want to live with?"

"My mother and father," said Eragon promptly.

"Murtagh?"

"Is _alone _an option?" asked Murtagh, glaring through his hair.

"You're not of age," said Dr. Smith.

"Um…my mother?"

"If it came to a choice between Morzan and Brom…"

"Brom! Totally! Irrevocably!" said Murtagh. "Not that…you know…I like you," he said to Brom.

"Understood," said Brom. "I wouldn't want to live with him either."

"You used to be my biggest fan," said Morzan bad-temperedly.

"Times change, people support evil kings, other people kill them," said Brom. "It's the circle of life."

Eragon began humming the theme from _The Lion King, _and surprisingly enough, Murtagh joined in.

**E21, notice your line anywhere? **


	5. Chapter 5

**Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia**

**Or,**

**Discovering Just How Screwed Up the Inheritance Characters Really Are **

"Red _sword, _red _dragon_. It's not that difficult of a concept!" Murtagh shook his hair out of his face to glare more effectively at Eragon.

"What kind of a coward steals a man's _sword_? Even if it does match his dragon?" said Eragon, with a tone of exasperation.

"Your sword is supposed to match your dragon, and I needed one!"

"You know son, you pay and awful lot of attention to matching colors. Are you gay?" asked Morzan, looking up from cleaning his nails with a dagger.

"_You _can shut up," said Murtagh, acidly.

"I notice you don't have a girlfriend yet," said Morzan, an evil smile crossing his lips.

"I don't exactly have _time _for a girlfriend. Besides, good-looking, non-psycho, immortal girls are tough to find!"

"…Or you just don't swing that way."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Watch your fuckin' language!" shouted Selena, looking up from her zen sand tray dr. Smith had given her for relaxation."

"We were doing so well, with that humming and bonding thing," said Dr Smith, smoothing his comb-over. "Morzan, get back to raking the sand. It's therapeutic."

"Therapeutic, sheraputic. I have a gay son! He will never carry on my line!" Morzan looked on the verge of tears.

"Can we have a little acceptance? There's nothing wrong with being homosexual," said Dr. Smith.

"_Really_? You're expecting him to be anything other than a homophobic, sword-throwing, child-maiming bastard?" asked Brom, looking up from his sand tray.

"I'm not _GAY_!" shouted Murtagh.

"It must be dark in that closet…" said Eragon.

"_You _shut up, _you're _still a naïve little virgin who can't even get a century-old elf!" Murtagh began furiously raking sand.

"How do you know I'm—Arya and I are _friends_—"

"Virgin."

"Shut _up_!"

"Elf-lover."

"She's _gorgeous!_"

"…and a cougar."

"Murtagh!" said Selena.

"I'm just _saying_."

"He has a _point_," said Brom. "It really is a bit ridiculous, Eragon."

"You—you—whose side are you on?" spluttered Eragon.

"I'm just saying, falling for an elf is asking for trouble."

"And what kind of experience would you have in _that_?' asked Selena.

Brom turned red, and busied himself with the sand tray.

"I _said_—"

"It was a fling, all right?" said Brom. "She was very beautiful, and it was before I'd even _met _you!"

"You never told me you shagged an elf!" shouted Selena.

"But—but—I like you much better!" said Brom defensively.

"How did you do it?" asked Eragon.

"You're going to ask your _father _how to get with a girl?" asked Murtagh." "That's _sad_."

"Not as sad as asking your father how to get with a _guy_," said Morzan.

"If you'd know how, then keep that information to yourself. I don't need it," said Murtagh, looking away from Morzan with a regal turn of the head.

"You know, Murtagh, we'll accept you for who you are," said Dr. Smith.

"I'M NOT GAY, I'M IN LOVE WITH THE LEADER OF THE REBEL FORCE I'M SWORN TO FIGHT!" yelled Murtagh.

There were several beats of silence.

"Cool story, bro," said Brom.

"You like _Nasuada_?" asked Eragon.

"Who's Nasuada? I thought he was talking about Ajihad," said Morzan.

"What kind of a girl is she?" asked Selena.

"This is _not _going to turn into a discussion of my love life. Can we do the inkblot thing again, or something?" asked Murtagh.

"Actually, I was thinking of doing an exercise to release anger," said Dr. Smith. "I have here—" (here he pulled out an inflatable punching dummy) "a way for you to get out your anger in a healthy way."

"That thing is unnatural," said Morzan, and punctured it with his dagger.

"You just—did you _really _just pop the dummy? _Really_?" asked Dr. Smith. He took a few deep breaths and resumed his usual calm state. "_Anyway, _we're going to duel with padded sticks. You can't hurt each other—"  
>"Where the fun in that?" asked Eragon dejectedly.<p>

"—but you can get out your aggressions."

"I can _totally _beat you up with a padded stick."

Morzan giggled in a very immature way, and Selena slapped him.

"Don't act like a teenager. That's _their _job." A few moments later, Murtagh and Eragon, attired in fencing masks and clutching foam-padded jousting sticks, stepped into the middle of the room. Everyone else was barricaded behind Dr. Smith's desk.

"It is _on_!" shouted Eragon, charging Murtagh with a fierce war cry.

Then the whacking began.

And continued…

And continued…

"How long does this 'getting out aggressions' crap take?" asked Morzan in bored tones.

"Until they run out of energy," sighed Dr. Smith.

"You stupid half-fairy!" shouted Murtagh, pummeling Eragon.

"I'm a half-ELF! And _you're _in love with a psycho who condemns a hero to fifty lashes!"

"At least she's not old enough to be my grandmother!"

Selena sighed. Morzan jarred her zen tray with his elbow.

"_Idiot_," muttered Selena.

"Selena, we talked about 'I messages,'" said Dr. Smith, without much hope.

Selena flipped him off.

**No. Way. I'm…**_**updating**_**!**

**It's short. But I like it. **

**Homophobia was not intended. **


End file.
